Wishing

I often find myself struggling,

Trying desperately to keep hold of this thing we call

life.

Its meaning rushes and hurries away from me,

Like it has but one chance to finally be free from my fatal grasp.

I wish I could hold onto it

And squeeze it tightly in my hand, not minding the sting, the pain of knowing.

How long should I wait

Waiting for you to open the door

I have the patience

But the doorknob is in my hand

And time is ticking by

Letting go

Trembling

stumbling forward

I am losing my grip

on this world

on this thing we call

life.

Its meaning escapes me now

or perhaps

I never truly knew it at all

…

And just like that

I forget what it is I am desperately clinging on to

or why

so I just

let go

…

When the darkness takes over

When sleep evades me

I’ve learned to close my eyes

And wait

Wait for the darkness

To take over

To envelop me and

Consume me

Until all that is left

Is a flicker of light

In the distance

Small but burning bright

It is hope

But

On nights like this

All I wish

Is for someone to extinguish the light

The magic of time

Do you remember when

we used to frolic through the dry and barren fields of our small town,

with nothing on but our smiles and our youth?

Our lives are so disparate now, sister.

You,

a mother,

a wife,

an entire life.

And I,

a mere soul,

lost,

wandering,

wondering

when mine will begin.

My purpose, or lack thereof (revisited)

I figured it out! Took me a couple of weeks but I finally figured out my purpose!

I have ultimately decided that my life’s purpose, or the purpose of life in general, is perhaps, nothing, nothing at all. Maybe if the purpose of life is nothing, then it can literally be anything and everything all at once. Who’s to say that there is a purpose to life at all? People around me say that there must be a reason why mankind is here on Earth and why we have evolved and thrived over the last hundreds/thousands of years. I don’t see why, but I guess there doesn’t have to be a conclusive answer. If I believe that there is no grand purpose, then my purpose can be anything I want or nothing at all.

Many people find their purposes in their careers, by becoming parents, by helping others, and so on. Then, that means that one’s purpose is one that they discover for themselves or make for themselves. So I can do the same.

Purpose is something we make ourselves, to make ourselves feel important and feel as though we are contributing to society in some way. Perhaps, I felt lost without a purpose because my life revolves around other people who help me feel important and perhaps, because I was not necessarily contributing to society or being more productive in the minds of others.

I feel differently now, now that I have stewed over this issue for weeks. I have learned that I do have a purpose in my life, many purposes actually. So many that I don’t find it necessary to list them all. I think I was so set on having one grand purpose that I didn’t realize that I have many little purposes that make me who I am.

With all that being said, there may be no purpose to my life. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. But because there may be nothing, that leaves a world full of somethings, anythings, everythings for me to discover and make my own.

I am riveting with excitement!

my purpose, or lack thereof (unedited)

I often wonder what my purpose is in life. This idea has rattled around inside my brains for years but it has been bothering me more and more recently.

How is one supposed to feel important? Useful? Purposeful? How does one do it?

I don’t know what my purpose is nor the purpose of life in general. What the heck does all of this mean? Why are we here? What is life? No one knows for sure and it bugs me that there are no conclusive answers. I know I won’t figure out the meaning of life but maybe one day, someone will. Until then, I’ll keep racking my brain trying to figure out the what’s and why’s of life.

Maybe purpose has something to do with productivity. As for me, I feel useless when I am unproductive on most days. There isn’t much to do because of Covid-19, and I am not in school right now nor am I working. So I find myself unproductive most days, thus I fill my days with normal tasks and spent a lot of time doing self-care. This doesn’t mean that I spend hours doing my hair and makeup (but yay for girls who do that) but what I mean is I take my time to shower, to dress, to do simple tasks like styling my hair, trimming my fingernails, you get the idea. It is a lot of wasted time to take care of oneself and I take full advantage of it.

What else is there to do? Should I be doing something better with my time? Sure. I could be doing a million different things but it’s all talk. I like the simple days where there isn’t much to do so I have the time to waste and do nothing. This is how it is most days and I am grateful for it. Grateful yet purposeless…

Maybe I just need to find my place in the world. Perhaps, this goes back to trying to figure out who I am and where I fit into all of this. I have yet to figure any of that out, so I’ll continue to stumble through the world and wade my way through life with the hope of finding something meaningful, something with purpose…

Things I Love

Family – the greatest gift in life, yet can also be the worst at times. Even though there are some bad days, I am overwhelmingly grateful for the love that I receive from my family, especially my aunt and uncle and their son (my cousin). They have been the family that I needed years ago and still need today. Our little family brings me so much joy, there is so much love!

Holidays – a reason to be happy and have fun, something to look forward to so that the years aren’t too boring. I love all of the joy and happiness that comes from Christmas, Valentines Day, birthdays, etc. I love making a big deal out of holidays and birthdays because sometimes I need to create my own happiness, and holidays are a great way for me to do so.

Food – what more is there to say…I love food. I am constantly thinking about the next meal, about new things to cook, about eating out at restaurants or stopping by the drive-thru. I just love food. Some of my favorites are spaghetti (or any noodle dishes really), sushi, street tacos (they have to be from a taco truck), and tiny chocolate desserts (especially the ones at Vegas buffets).

Routines – actually, I have a love/hate relationship with routines. Sometimes, I absolutely despise them because I get bored/tired of things easily. I would much rather have my day be different from the one before but of course, one must have some structure in their life. So, there exists some love for routines as long as it involves the people I live with in our cozy home, enjoying each other’s company.

Clothes – as mentioned above, I tire of things easily which means I tire of my clothes easily. I have a habit of buying clothes, getting bored with said clothes, and then giving my clothes to my sister. She is always grateful for them and I am happy because I have an excuse to buy more clothes! I love new things, especially clothes.

Organization – without this, I would feel lost in a world of messiness and chaos. I am a conundrum because I hate routines but love organization so I follow routines to keep my life organized, or at least my things organized. I am constantly cleaning my room, organizing things, getting rid of things. I even enjoy organizing other people’s things because I just love being organized so much!

Quality time with my aunt and uncle – this goes back to the topic of routines such that my uncle and I have a morning routine which allows us to spend each and every morning in each other’s company. We make breakfast, watch the news, and waste the morning away. I treasure the time that I get to spend with him. As for my aunt, she and I have long conversations about anything and everything which sometimes go on for hours. We try to solve the problems of the world but we never amount to much. We also quilt together in her sewing room for hours, we lose track of time a lot when we are in there. I treasure these moments when it is just her and I.

My boyfriend – last, but not least…Jake is so special to me and I am beyond grateful that he loves me for me. He knows my love for him so I’ll make this one short and to the point. Love loves to love love (as said by James Joyce) and I love to love Jake ❤

Thank you for reading!

Again and again and again…

What to say when everything has already been said…Have I written about this before? Or has it just been bouncing around in my head, occupying space?

I have been distant for many months and a part of me felt good about it. It felt good to not write when I know I should have, a delinquency on my part that I reveled in. But, the time has come for me to begin again for the third time.

I go through periods where I do not want to write or share my life with others on various other social media platforms. I cut myself off after watching a documentary on Netflix, and thus, have been trying not to get caught up in it all again but it is hard to keep away from. So here I am again writing and wanting to get in contact with the rest of the world again.

I am 25 and have yet to find myself. I wake up most days wondering who I will be that day and I wonder if this is just a Tiara thing or if most young adults feel this way, too. This is all to say that I am still trying to find myself and that is why I write and then don’t write, then write again.

I see myself as someone who tries things out, spends weeks obsessed with the thing, gives up the thing, then comes back to the thing after a few months. I think I do this because I get tired of things quickly but end up missing them so I begin them again. So here I am again. It feels good to be back.